Our Bull Oil Grand Prix Application
We at Team Reynonds Style are honored and humbled to be able to pitch to you this, the 3rd installment of “Burt Reynolds Goes Crapcan Racing.” When making sequels or trilogies, this maxim always holds true (with the exception of Star Wars): They only get worse as they go along. This application is no different.
How can we pitch for a 3rd installment without mentioning the pedigree that is Team Reynolds Style? These mustachioed heroes are veterans of the Lamest Day as well as American Irony. We have embraced all that is good and righteous about Burt Reynolds. Even as our membership drifts further apart (fuckers keep taking new jobs and/or moving) – we come together to celebrate the Bandit and wipe Dukes of Hazard from our collective memory.
The people want to see a winner on the big screen. Something with an Edge. Michael Bay effects with a more John Hughes character development. The search for the American Dream. Bah – its all bullshit: A comedy is the safest bet in this industry, and Team Reynolds Style is known for consistency. Consistently finishing in spectacular mid table mediocrity in past events (ed. Can two races be considered consistent?). We, unlike some, have finished all races under our own power. We have wowed the crowds and mobs alike with brake failure in both previous incarnations. Using deft special effects, we even managed to turn a brake leak into a fire (ed. note to Mike, there is a fire extinguisher IN the car – no need to run around like fucking Chicken Little). – I promise you – the brakes will again, fail, and our heroes will once more emerge victorious. But something has to be fresh for this third installment. Something new. A Fight Club level of mind fuck to put an explanation point on this 3rd installment.
I know what you’re saying – the second installment tested well but there were some “Lindsey Lohan”-esque problems…. I can assure you – the exhaust will not do that again. And I promise we will all show up at tech wearing mustaches this time. 3rd time’s the charm right? Judges, this is not another Mike Myers desperate attempt to do something in a Scottish accent. Nor is this another Indiana Jones – I’m here for the payout – fuck the fans – blatant check cashing exercise. This is the sequel that will make Matrix Reloaded look like a 2 hour GM Commercial. Look – who’s kidding who around here? All we have to do is market the shit out of this flick and it will be a success. It worked for Transformers 2. Here, we have a spot for Letterman already to go – just get us to read off the top 10, we can do the same bit on Mencia – I hear he’s up for that.
Top 10 reasons Team Reynolds Style shouldn’t be allowed to enter the race
10) Last time, we had the incident that required the fire extinguisher.
9) No one will be there to pit crew for us (again). 
Not sure where we left the tires.
7) A series of “Cease and desist” letters from the real Burt Reynolds.
6) Engine held together by stripper thongs; gear oil replaced with glitter and broken dreams.
5) Ran out of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder (TM).
4) Our mustaches never grew in.
3) Haven’t yet installed back seat jacuzzi even though Jay gave us a sweet resale value.
2) Capt. Mike’s wife will cut him.
1) We ain’t got no money.
And the one reason we should:
1) We’ll show up anyway
We have shirts and stickers…a fucking top 10 list. Hell, we’re ready to rock an roll – just give us the green light, sit back and watch us bleed the blood from a turnip.
At the end of this we will hoist hardware over our heads, goddamnit. The crowning glory to the Team Reynolds Style Lemons Trilogy, but certainly not its last.
Yours in Burt,
Team Reynolds Style
P.S.
When we heard our fearless leader announce the 384 Hours of Lemons, our hearts jumped into our throats. But if Back to the Future has taught us anything, its that filming two movies at the same time results in Michael J. Fox on screen in drag. Not everyone is fucking Peter Jackson, okay?
