Project Celica(s)

We at Team Reynonds Style are honored and humbled to be able to pitch to you this, the 3rd installment of “Burt Reynolds Goes Crapcan Racing.” When making sequels or trilogies, this maxim always holds true (with the exception of Star Wars): They only get worse as they go along. This application is no different.

How can we pitch for a 3rd installment without mentioning the pedigree that is Team Reynolds Style? These mustachioed heroes are veterans of the Lamest Day as well as American Irony. We have embraced all that is good and righteous about Burt Reynolds. Even as our membership drifts further apart (fuckers keep taking new jobs and/or moving) – we come together to celebrate the Bandit and wipe Dukes of Hazard from our collective memory.

The people want to see a winner on the big screen. Something with an Edge. Michael Bay effects with a more John Hughes character development. The search for the American Dream. Bah – its all bullshit: A comedy is the safest bet in this industry, and Team Reynolds Style is known for consistency. Consistently finishing in spectacular mid table mediocrity in past events (ed. Can two races be considered consistent?). We, unlike some, have finished all races under our own power. We have wowed the crowds and mobs alike with brake failure in both previous incarnations. Using deft special effects, we even managed to turn a brake leak into a fire (ed. note to Mike, there is a fire extinguisher IN the car – no need to run around like fucking Chicken Little). – I promise you – the brakes will again, fail, and our heroes will once more emerge victorious. But something has to be fresh for this third installment. Something new. A Fight Club level of mind fuck to put an explanation point on this 3rd installment.

I know what you’re saying – the second installment tested well but there were some “Lindsey Lohan”-esque problems…. I can assure you – the exhaust will not do that again. And I promise we will all show up at tech wearing mustaches this time. 3rd time’s the charm right? Judges, this is not another Mike Myers desperate attempt to do something in a Scottish accent. Nor is this another Indiana Jones – I’m here for the payout – fuck the fans – blatant check cashing exercise. This is the sequel that will make Matrix Reloaded look like a 2 hour GM Commercial. Look – who’s kidding who around here? All we have to do is market the shit out of this flick and it will be a success. It worked for Transformers 2. Here, we have a spot for Letterman already to go – just get us to read off the top 10, we can do the same bit on Mencia – I hear he’s up for that.

Top 10 reasons Team Reynolds Style shouldn’t be allowed to enter the race

10) Last time, we had the incident that required the fire extinguisher.
9) No one will be there to pit crew for us (again). Not sure where we left the tires.
7) A series of “Cease and desist” letters from the real Burt Reynolds.
6) Engine held together by stripper thongs; gear oil replaced with glitter and broken dreams.
5) Ran out of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder (TM).
4) Our mustaches never grew in.
3) Haven’t yet installed back seat jacuzzi even though Jay gave us a sweet resale value.
2) Capt. Mike’s wife will cut him.
1) We ain’t got no money.

And the one reason we should:
1) We’ll show up anyway

We have shirts and stickers…a fucking top 10 list. Hell, we’re ready to rock an roll – just give us the green light, sit back and watch us bleed the blood from a turnip.

At the end of this we will hoist hardware over our heads, goddamnit. The crowning glory to the Team Reynolds Style Lemons Trilogy, but certainly not its last.

Yours in Burt,
Team Reynolds Style

P.S.
When we heard our fearless leader announce the 384 Hours of Lemons, our hearts jumped into our throats. But if Back to the Future has taught us anything, its that filming two movies at the same time results in Michael J. Fox on screen in drag. Not everyone is fucking Peter Jackson, okay?

http://www.detnews.com/article/20100617/AUTO03/6170321/1149/24-Hours-of-LeMons–Car-racing-with-$500–sense-of-humor

Last weekend we at Team Reynolds Style competed in our second official and sanctioned racing event: The 24 Hours of Lemons: American Irony Race at Gingerman Raceway in South Haven, MI. (dot com slash the movie II in 3D and based on true events)

Due to a death in the family we were down our best-looking team member so we ran an out-law race with fewer than the “required” number of drivers. (I make up my own rules and then i break those too!)

Turns out Michigan’s West Coast is cold and windy (who knew) and it made for some chilly camping. We tech’ed and practiced on Friday, where the judges for the second year insulted our cheating abilities by not even lifting the hood. Joke’s on us for running a stock engine, I suppose… It was a completely different experience this year with no mad, last second dash to finish the car. Instead we dined on fancy Italian cuisine Friday night and told dirty jokes while those other schlubs worried about things like roll-bar padding and why their train-wreck of a car wouldn’t start. Honestly, it was too cold for that shit anyway.

Saturday was the big day and it started with our fearless leader taking the green flag. After two hours we were in a heady 13th place of 53 when Mike put 4 off (He swears an armadillo ran out onto the track and I’m inclined to believe him) and the resulting black flag dropped us to midpack while waiting for the concession stand girls to whip up 6 hot chocolates for the judges (my $1 tip to “speed it up” was sorely under appreciated). The flying Romanian took over and immediately started earning back those lost positions. The car was turning and stopping like Christ on a bike but the go button was still much devolved from the rest of the pack. Even so, we were back in the top 15 when Seb pulled in for “odd brake pedal feel.”

The oddness, it would seem, was somehow related to the brake fire. (This story ends with Team Reynolds Style back on the track and our neighbors being repayed one fully charged fire extinguisher).

As you, the reader can see now, there is pattern emerging that goes something like this: 1) Make some headway 2) lose it to misfortune. Remember that. After the fir- … Brake problem, we were deep in the numbers, somewhere in the bottom half of the pack. This is when your fearless author stepped up to the wheel and again, started climbing the ladder that so loved to buck us off. I put in my two hours and El Capitan rotated in for another 2 himself. Saturday was free incident for the last half of the day and we ended the day somewhere in high teens/low 20s.

Sunday was supposed to be our day. Sunday was supposed to end differently than it did. When I woke up Sunday, shivering and sore, I KNEW in my heart we could pull a top 10 finish, but It was not meant to be. Seb drove hard but the exhaust header down-pipe let go when the bolts loosened and abandoned ship. 30 minutes later when his driving stint was up, we had to run a NASCAR style tire-swap (you know, without the power tools or training or manpower) as the tires that worked so well yesterday were worn and gnarled today. I took over for the final 3 hours and required 2 unscheduled trips to the pits- once to repair the OTHER exhaust failure (this time requiring tow-truck assistance and a bungee cord) and once because some yahoo in a hack-sawed MR2 tried to occupy a lane i was already occupying. After he pit maneuvered himself on my front clip and spun out, we had to sort it out in front of the judges. Luckily i whooped his monkey ass in a high-heeled foot race (while wearing a wig and a dress, like i do) and was spared the 15 minute sidelining penalty that he suffered.

The final tally for the damages? 21st place. Some Pictures.

(Here’s a shout out to the people who showed up to support. Pretty much all your names start with J.)

-Sleazy C

times 2

The mustache rule, stating simply that all Team Reynolds associates
would don a mustache, was the work of a small group of idealistic
individuals, not unlike most political movements and Josh Whedon
series.  And, in the same way, it was corrupted and taken advantage of
until race day came and we showed up looking like a bunch of
slack-jawed smooth-skinned yocals and one fierce-faced Burt
Reynolds-Esq man.

Me.

Dare to Dream!

Yes, it’s true, that I have a dream; A dream that one day we will live
in a world where Team Reynolds Style stands shoulder to shoulder,
brother to brother as one uniform voice that cries out in unison, “No,
we will not conform to your standards of hygene.  We will not put down
our jean jackets and sell our vans.  We will drink PBR in an un-ironic
way and as Burt Reynolds as our witness our lip will never be cold
again!”

But alas, the movement has had to adapt to the times.  We cannot
pretend that we do not live in a world where a man should fear not of
the thoughts of his neighbors, the words of his peers and the touch of
his lovers when he presents his prideful, mustachioed lip to the light.  And
as such we men of The ‘Stache must be willing to embrace another who is
mustached in spirit, if not in practice.  Our sisters and fair-haired
brothers who will grow-not a flavor savor but can act as a bridge
between us the freedom fighter, and them, the outside world that shuns
us.

So i say unto all of thee; come into my bad ass kingdom and bring your
dimes, for mustache rides have always, and will forever be, just ten
cents.

Amen.

On Wed, Jan 20, 2010 at 1:07 PM, Martin  wrote:
> Those of us who are mustache impared want to know.
>
> On Jan 20, 2010, at 12:09 PM, Christos wrote:
>
>> Btw, what is the mustache policy?
>>
>> Sent from my iPhone
>>
>> On Jan 20, 2010, at 11:58 AM, Curt  wrote:
>>
>>> We’re getting ready for another race coming up here in April on the
>>> west coast of Michigan.  Team Reynolds Style will be representing. If
>>> you’re interested in seeing true debacle of racing, come check it out.
>>> (Otherwise we’ll be back again in the fall.)
>>>
>>> Details here:
>>>
>>> http://www.24hoursoflemons.com/detroitirony10/

Here is the layout of Nelson Ledges.

The Lamest Day

Track Data

If anyone wants to see our laps and who turned the slowest laps (thats me) here you go…. shiny graphs and scatter plots are welcomed so please – go nuts.

Steve McQueen

We did it!  The car finished, albiet, slowly (for reasons in addition to Curt being the one the bring it home). Lots to update everyone on and lots of pictures to throw up so we’ll start with this mess right here:

As the title says…

Jesus... that is stoic.

You cannot start a conversation with anyone in the automotive service / parts world without following a very very very strict speech pattern.  Any deviation will result in starting over from the very beginning.  Its like dealing with The Soup Nazi without the verbal abuse.  For example:

Michael: lol